Four Steps for "The Talk" About Giving Up the Car Keys
Sep
6
Written by:
9/6/2011 9:29 AM
In past blog postings I have talked about transitions that challenge older adults and their children. High on the list are refitting a home to accommodate the diminishing capabilities of an older adult who still can live independently. Also, I have talked about how to make the decision to move to a senior residential facility and leave home altogether. In this posting, I would like to share with you what I have learned as a geriatric care manager in the form of suggested steps you may consider as you have “the talk” about your older adult’s driving.
- The first step for you as a caregiver anticipating this conversation is to simply start thinking concretely about how you would like to be approached with the subject. This is a real role reversal in the parent-child relationship, and it requires sensitivity, and it can be helpful to think about how you would want to be approached if you were in your parent’s shoes. You may also recognize that this is not just a conversation you can have with your parent, so it may be another of your siblings who will step in or you fall back on “Plan B.”
- If you are going to go down this path, step two could be to introduce your elder into the role of not being their own driver all the time. Invite them to go shopping with you or out for a lunch where you pick them up. You can enlist others who are in their orbit to similarly help ease them into riding along on outings instead of being the one who always drives. It helps to make it more natural for your parent to see themselves in something other than the driver’s seat.
- Help your older parent to automate their lives more with automatic bank deposits or bill payments. There also are home delivery options available for everything from cleaning to groceries to pharmaceuticals. It is even easier if the computer and access to the web are part of this picture. Check out and make available public transportation or taxi services in their area.
- Now comes “The Talk.” You can weave in questions along the way about how they feel everything has been working, and it also is important to appreciate that this will take more than one installment. Be patient and gently encourage them to recognize the physical or cognitive limitations that have encouraged you to bring up the topic as well as the risk to themselves as well as others should there be an accident. Appreciate that in the end it has to be their decision. Help them to set a date, but don’t force the issue. If they fail to keep a commitment to deadlines more than once, you may have to enlist the help of their physician or clergy member if they have one. (By the way, this is Plan B)
Charlotte Bishop is a Geriatric Care Manager and founder of Creative Case Management, certified professionals who are geriatric advocates, resources, counselors and friends to older adults and their families throughout metrpolitan Chicago. Please email your questions to Charlotte Bishop.
Copyright ©2011
3 comment(s) so far...
Re: Four Steps for "The Talk" About Giving Up the Car Keys
Charlotte,
This could be very useful. We will eventually have this conversation with Mindy's parents.
These blogs are wonderful!
Larry
By Larry Marks on
9/20/2011 3:51 PM
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Re: Four Steps for "The Talk" About Giving Up the Car Keys
This article was so informative. I only wish I had read it a year ago. I repeatedly had the conversation with my mother about driving. Unfortunately I live 13 hours from her. She has had both knees and her hip replaced over the last few years and visits with her, and riding with her had made me very anxious about her "reaction time". Each of the steps you gave are so important...thank you for the excellent practical approach to caring for our elderly parents efficiently and sensitively. I look forward to each of your posts.
By Linda Smith on
9/20/2011 5:41 PM
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Re: Four Steps for "The Talk" About Giving Up the Car Keys
This is the conversation I have been dreading for the longest time. My dream was to have a driver in place before this actually happened, but at this point I don't know. My mom has never been the best of drivers to begin with, but still manages to function well enough and as of this writing is still fully functional. Whether that lasts another week, a year or a few years is out of my control, but when it happens, I will have to deal with it just as you suggested. I expect it to be a huge fight and really would not have it any other way.
My biggest fear really isn't for my mom's safety as it it for everyone else's. My grandfather drove until he was in his 80's and one day drove his car through his next door neighbor's living room. Obviously, that was it. (I have every intention of getting the keys from her before it gets to that point.)
Here is another thing to consider: My mom's car is bought and paid for, so my thinking is that when the time comes, there should be enough sale value left on it to pay for a driver for a certain amount of time. I have no idea what that costs, but this article lit the fire and I intend to find out.
Keep these posts coming, I am sure I am not much different than a lot of your readers in that even though I know I shouldn't, when it comes to my mom, I would like to live in a state of denial as long as possible. It gets harder and harder as she slowly watches her friends die around her and starts to question her own mortality.
By Steven Fisher on
11/26/2011 4:41 PM
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